Feeling like a late bloomer when it comes to sex? There’s hope
Ian Kerner
(CNN) — Who wants to date these days? My patients tell me the apps have turned dating into a competitive marketplace marked by quick and easy rejection. Meanwhile, social media makes it feel like everyone else is living their best romantic life.
Adding to the anxiety, more people, especially Gen Zers, are telling me that they are late bloomers when it comes to sex. They feel like they have too little sexual experience compared to what they think is typical for their age.
These patients believe they lack the chops to be a good lover. “Won’t it be obvious when I’m in bed with someone who has experience and knows what they’re doing and what to expect?” many worry. Many self-labeled late bloomers feel they’re “sexually doomed” and will never be able to catch up.
In my experience, those negative self-beliefs often become self-fulfilling prophecies unless they’re challenged head-on.
When it comes to being a good sexual partner, to what extent does experience really matter? Can a late bloomer make up for lost time and even excel as a sexual partner? Should we even be using the term? To get some answers, I turned to my colleagues across the country.
Does having a lot of sexual experience automatically make you a better lover than someone with little to no experience?
No. My colleagues agree that quantity doesn’t equal quality.
“Having a lot of sexual experience doesn’t automatically equate to being a better lover,” explained Dr. Justin Lehmiller, research fellow at The Kinsey Institute at Indiana University in Bloomington. “Being good in bed has less to do with how much sex you’ve had and far more to do with how communicative and responsive you are with your partner.”
“No one’s ‘seen it all’ in a way that really matters, because every partner is different,” added psychologist Rachel Needle, co-director of the Modern Sex Therapy Institute in West Palm Beach Florida. “Every new sexual relationship is an opportunity to listen, adapt, and learn. Those qualities are far better predictors of satisfying sex than the number of sexual partners someone has had.”
What’s later than average for a first-time sexual experiences?
Therapists don’t have a simple answer. “On average, people in the United States have their first sexual experience around the age of 17 or 18, but that number has been creeping up in recent years, and a growing number of people are reaching adulthood without having had sex,” Lehmiller said.
In a recent survey by Lehmiller and his colleagues at the Kinsey Institute, 22% of single adults ages 18 to 91 said they had yet to have a partnered sexual experience. “What makes someone a late bloomer is less about their actual age and more about the subjective feeling that they’re late to the game,” Lehmiller said.
“I’m not a fan of the term ‘late bloomer’ when it comes to sexual experience,” said Lily Hetzler, a sex therapist in New York. “It suggests that there is a ‘right’ time to have sex and fails to account for the myriad factors that influence the expression of our sexuality.”
Instead of asking how much sex you should have had by now, ask yourself if you’re making choices that feel right for you, Needle advised. “Sexual milestones aren’t achievements to unlock on a schedule,” she said. “What matters isn’t whether your timeline matches anyone else’s — it’s whether your experiences are consensual, meaningful and aligned with your own values and readiness.”
“The term ‘late bloomer’ implies that earlier is better, privileging early developmental sexual experiences in a way that could be unhealthy,” said sex therapist Rebecca Sokoll, a psychotherapist in New York City.
In fact, starting too early often has more downsides than taking it slow. Many of my patients tell me that they regret their first experiences with sex and wish they had waited until they were more “emotionally ready” and could better cherish the memories.
What are some of the reasons someone might wait to have sex for the first time?
People may be waiting for any number of reasons. Sex may simply not be a priority, or they have strongly held religious beliefs, or have fears and anxiety around the topic.
“We may be seeing more late bloomers today because young people simply have fewer opportunities for sex,” Lehmiller added. They’re often living with their parents longer and have less privacy and independence as a result. “Delaying sex doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t want it; it may be that their circumstances are making it more difficult to pursue.”
Nicole McNichols, who teaches human sexuality at the University of Washington, explained it’s part of a larger generational shift. Although the Covid-19 pandemic, social media and other factors have been blamed for the decline in young adults’ sexual activity, she notes that data pinpoints a more mundane reason: Fewer young adults are in relationships and fewer are drinking alcohol.
“The real questions is: Are these necessarily bad things? Maybe a lot of what used to pass for youthful sexual activity was alcohol-involved in ways that weren’t always healthy, wanted or fully consensual,” she said. “Its decline might say more about young women setting boundaries than about anyone missing out on something valuable.”
Are sexual timelines different for many gay men?
They can be. “Most gay men are, in some sense, late bloomers,” said Amos Wolff, a marriage and family therapist licensed in New York and New Jersey. “We’re defaulted to heterosexual until proven otherwise, so attraction usually arrives long before we have the language or permission to act on it. I’d define ‘blooming’ as the first sexual experience where joy outweighs shame.”
“Many queer people are stereotyped by society as hypersexualized ‘sex addicts’ or indiscriminate in their sexual desires,” added Scott Duquette, a sex and relationship therapist and supervisor at the Institute for Contemporary Psychotherapy’s Sex Therapy Division in New York City. “These stereotypes may unduly burden them with pressures to conform to social expectations, despite their actual desires.
But these challenges aren’t limited to gay men. “My male clients struggle far more when they are the partner with less sexual experience,” said sex therapist Eva Dillon, a psychotherapist in New York City. “The cultural expectation that heterosexual men should be sexually skilled and have had many partners is alive and well.”
Does lack of experience mean you’re sexually doomed? Is everyone else at a competitive advantage?
When it comes to sexual inexperience, the bigger obstacle is usually self-doubt, not the absence of experience itself, McNichols said. “Worrying about how you measure up can take you out of the moment so that you leave your body and get stuck in your head. But that reaction is about anxiety more than anything. It has nothing to do with lacking some superpower.”
In fact, people who come to sex later in life often bring real strengths to the table, including emotional maturity, a clearer sense of their own values and a better understanding of what they actually want from a partner, Needle said. Those qualities tend to shape a satisfying sexual relationship far more than a headstart ever would. The only real disadvantage comes from believing you’re at a disadvantage.”
Having sex later than the average age isn’t a negative, Dillon said. “Savoring the process of becoming a sexual being — and the anticipation of becoming sexually active — may ultimately lead to a deeper appreciation of the pleasures of sex when it begins.”
And it’s never too late to gain experience and learn new sexual skills. “I’ve worked with clients in their 70s who have wanted to explore new ways of connecting to their sexuality,” Hetzler said.
If you feel like you’re a late bloomer, should you tell a potential partner?
Not necessarily. You don’t owe someone a complete accounting of your sexual history, McNichols said. “There’s a difference between being honest and feeling like you must disclose your ‘number’ or your ‘body count.’”
If it comes up naturally, or if you want your partner to know, something brief and matter-of-fact works well: “I haven’t had a ton of experience, just so you know.” Full disclosure isn’t required. Just don’t pretend to be someone you’re not.
The right partner is much more likely to respect your honesty than judge you for your experience.
“If someone loses interest simply because you haven’t had many sexual experiences, they’re probably not the kind of partner who will create the safe, communicative and supportive relationship that leads to great sex anyway,” Needle said. “Once a relationship becomes intimate, how you treat each other matters much more than your sexual resume.”
There are many people with long sexual histories having bad sex. What are they doing wrong that a late bloomer could get right?
Having a lot of experience in the bedroom isn’t synonymous with being a good lover, said psychologist Leonor de Oliveira in Lisbon, Portugal.
“A long sexual history does not necessarily translate into noticing and adjusting to a partner’s unique expressions of sexual response and pleasure in each sexual encounter,” she said. “A late bloomer may be particularly attentive to specific sexual cues and more open to partner feedback.”
Sex therapist Juliane Maxwald in New York agreed. “Someone can have had many partners and still rely on the same sexual routines, while someone with less experience may be curious, attentive and willing to learn,” she explained.
Being a good lover has as much to do with sexual self-knowledge as it does with experience — understanding your own interests, desires, boundaries, and what gives you pleasure, while remaining curious about your partner’s.”
What advice do you have for late bloomers around having sex? Are there ways to gain experience that will ease the transition?
There’s plenty you can do to build sexual confidence, but having a lot of casual sex isn’t on the list, particularly if you push yourself into situations you’re not comfortable with. Instead, focus on learning what brings you pleasure. That’s something you don’t need a partner to learn, Duquette said.
“There are people who have a lot of partnered sex who struggle with identifying what feels good,” he explains. “Let erotic enjoyment be a real priority in your life. If there’s a desire, take that bubble bath; listen to that erotica; notice when your body is aroused and explore; let yourself linger in your sexy imagination. Be your own best friend with benefits.”
When you do start having sex, Needle recommended giving yourself permission to be new at it. “Choose partners who make you feel comfortable enough to ask questions, laugh when something is awkward, communicate openly and figure things out together,” she said. “Sex is experiential, so some things can only be learned by doing. But you don’t need dozens of partners to learn them. You need experiences where you feel safe enough to be present, curious and honest.”
“What really matters is whether you have been educated about the importance of not knowing what to do,” Sokoll added. “If you show up to a new partner believing that you already know what they are going to like, you are likely to be wrong and to have bad sex. The quality of the sex is determined by each person involved. Allow yourself to not know, to ask, to listen, and to notice in yourself what is exciting, arousing, or just feels good.”
What if you’re the partner of a late bloomer?
If you’re dating someone who’s a sexual late bloomer, try to resist the urge to see yourself as their teacher, Needle said. “Every relationship involves learning about each other, regardless of how much experience either person has. Instead of focusing on what they haven’t done, focus on creating an environment where they feel safe enough to ask questions, express preferences, and be honest if something feels awkward or unfamiliar. And you should feel comfortable doing the same.”
Consider yourself special. Someone else has intentionally chosen to share their first sexual experiences with you. “Having sex with a late bloomer can be a rare honor — a gift wrapped in agency and vulnerability,” de Oliveira said.
Remember, it’s normal for our sexual preferences and desires to change over time and with different partners. We’re constantly evolving.
“What a person might want sexually as a young adult is usually different from what a person wants in their 30s, 60s, or even 80s,” explained sex therapist Nanaho Sawano, who is licensed in New York and New Jersey. “People experience a learning curve throughout their lives, regardless of how many partners they might have had at any given time.”
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