Memoir by Nicole Brown Simpson’s sister spotlights warning signs of abusive relationships

By Kristen Rogers, CNN

(CNN) — Several days after Nicole Brown Simpson was murdered, her older sister, Denise Brown, defiantly said on national television, “My sister was not a battered woman.”

Brown had been aware of, and once even present for, two times when O.J. Simpson, her sister’s ex-husband, had physically hurt Nicole, she said. In the 1995 criminal trial against Simpson for the murders of Nicole and her friend Ron Goldman, Brown testified about having taken photos of her sister’s bruised face, neck and arms at Nicole’s request after a domestic abuse incident Nicole had called 911 about on New Year’s Day in 1989 — the highly publicized altercation was the ninth time police had responded to the home, but the first for which Simpson was arrested and charged with spousal battery, to which he pleaded no contest.

Brown also testified about having witnessed verbal abuse over time and one instance of physical abuse. (Though Simpson was acquitted in the criminal trial, he was found liable for the deaths of Goldman and Nicole in a civil trial in 1997.)

At that time, “those pictures, I thought, were an isolated incident because I didn’t know anything about the cycle of domestic violence,” Brown told CNN. “Domestic violence was something that we did not grow up with.”

But after another Brown sister “found the diaries at Nicole’s condo when they were cleaning it out after she was murdered, my father called me to his bedroom a couple of months later, and he said, ‘Denise, take a look at this,’” Brown told CNN. “I started looking, and I thought, ‘Oh, my God, why didn’t she tell us?’”

Shocked by the grim details, Brown took her sister’s journals to the director of a local women’s shelter, seeking professional help with answering all the “whys” roiling through her brain, the questions many people ask when they learn their loved one was or is being abused: Why didn’t she just leave? What did I miss?

The director’s response catalyzed Brown’s education and ongoing advocacy work in domestic violence awareness, which began during what was nicknamed the “trial of the century.” In the 31 years since then, Brown has traveled nationwide to women’s shelters, police stations, universities, hospitals, churches and more to increase awareness and support for an issue that affects more than 1 in 3 women and more than 1 in 6 men in the United States alone. And those statistics are just for physical violence, sexual violence and stalking — they don’t include emotional, psychological, financial and spiritual abuse.

Brown poured everything she has learned into her new memoir, “For My Sister Nicole: Love Shouldn’t Hurt — What to Know About Domestic Violence,” out Tuesday, during Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Brown hopes to give Nicole her voice back, magnify the signs of abusive relationships, and advise loved ones trying to help victims leave, she told CNN.

“I want to be able to save lives with this book. I hope it does, because I miss her,” Brown said. “I just don’t want a family to go through what we had to go through.”

There is now greater understanding of the complexities in such relationships, said Katie Ray-Jones, CEO of the National Domestic Violence Hotline, which provides support and tools for survivors 24/7. (The service was established as part of the Violence Against Women Act that President Bill Clinton signed into law in September 1994, three months after Nicole’s murder. Brown played a pivotal role in the passage of the act by testifying before Congress.)

Despite increased awareness, some people still may miss early or subtle warning signs of abuse by chalking them up to benign causes rather than seeing them as red flags for danger, said Dr. Nicolyn Charlot, a researcher who has studied reliable predictors of intimate partner violence.

Here’s what to look for and how to handle any concerns.

Abuse can happen to anyone

Some people have a narrow idea of what a victim looks like, and that can get in the way of detecting abuse and supporting them, sources said.

“My view of a battered woman was stereotypical: a quiet, shuffling shell with knocked-out teeth, visible injuries, afraid to even lift her eyes in public,” Brown wrote in her book. “A woman with no power; someone who was completely robbed of any agency. My strong-willed, stubborn, and capable sister was the absolute antithesis of what those words conjured in my mind.”

That archetype may hold true for many victims behind closed doors, but it’s not what many of them look like as they move about the world, going to great lengths to hide the abuse, Ray-Jones said.

Domestic violence “impacts every socioeconomic status, education, geographic region, race, gender identity — no one is immune from potentially being a victim survivor,” she added. “Many people who call the hotline will say, ‘I always said I would never let this happen to me, I would never let a man hit me. And now I’m calling you.’”

But abuse isn’t something you let happen, Ray-Jones said. “Someone’s choosing to harm you, and they didn’t meet you and say, ‘Hey, in three months, I’m going to slap you across the face,’” she explained. “They build a relationship with you that feels like love, and they gain your trust, and then they begin to use the power and control wheel in ways that are typically subtle at first. So before you realize how deep you’re in, a lot has happened.”

Created by the Duluth, Minnesota-based Domestic Abuse Intervention Programs in 1984, the power and control wheel diagram describes abuse and the tactics that aggressors use to keep victims in the relationship. The inside of the wheel details more subtle behaviors that occur over time, such as intimidating looks or making someone feel guilty, while the outer ring represents physical and sexual violence.

Common warning signs

Someone can be experiencing serious abuse without ever being hit, Sara Runyon, a licensed clinical social worker and chief program officer at the Center for Prevention of Abuse in Peoria, Illinois, said via email. Emotional, mental, behavioral and physical signs that someone is being abused can begin at any point in the partnership.

You might notice that your friend’s relationship is marked by frequent arguments and emotional highs and lows, Brown said. Your friend may show changes in their usual mood or mindset, such as sadness, depression, anxiety, self-doubt or low self-esteem.

Someone experiencing abuse may be quieter than usual, uncharacteristically private about their relationship and less engaged in social functions, sources said. The individual might also start to abandon their hobbies and forego career opportunities, Brown said.

Maybe their appearance is changing, or they are covering up more than normal because their partner is critical or controlling or they are hiding evidence of physical abuse, Ray-Jones said. If you frequently notice bruises or injuries and the person offers explanations that don’t make sense, that’s another cause for concern.

In hindsight, Brown realized the first indication that her sister was being physically abused was when she discovered a Polaroid picture Nicole had taken of her bruised face and black eye, which she claimed were the work of a film makeup artist.

Abusive partners also often set lots of rules around the victim’s social life, Brown said. Or the abuser might demand access to phones, private conversations and time — even when they’re working or spending time with others. The victim may face consequences when they miss calls or texts.

Brown had observed that her sister frequently took on the blame for various conflicts with Simpson, she said. This tendency indicates “what’s happening behind the scenes,” Ray-Jones said. “The abuse is being minimized. It’s being pushed to the victim as ‘you’re the reason why this is happening.’”

Abusers may also criticize under the guise of lighthearted teasing. “I’m a survivor myself,” Ray-Jones shared. “My partner would make fun of the way I would eat in front of a group of people, but he would say something like, ‘It’s so cute when you hold your fork that way.’”

Abusers also tend to push for quick progress in the relationship early on. Extreme jealousy is another warning sign, Ray-Jones added, which may manifest as accusations of flirting or cheating.

Often, “the verbal, emotional, psychological abuse is all a precursor to the physical abuse, to murder,” Brown said, even if those violent outcomes take years to get to. Brown reveals in her book for the first time that she herself experienced this escalation in her 20s: Within a week, her boyfriend at the time went from suddenly instructing her to not talk to male strangers he unfoundedly insisted were dangerous and in organized crime, to strangling her as she was falling asleep one night, she recalled.

While learning these signs is important, loved ones should also know that detection isn’t always possible due to the secrecy at play in so many victims’ experiences, experts said.

Of all the theories about Nicole and her family in the aftermath of her murder, “by far the most painful to me were insinuations that family members had been indifferent to Nicole’s suffering,” Brown wrote. “The truth is that none of us knew what we were up against. … My sister was enmeshed for seventeen years in a cycle, one in which denial plays a huge role. She denied, minimized, and kept her own secrets — and those secrets cost Nicole her life.”

Supporting someone experiencing abuse

If you suspect someone you know is being abused, bring up your concerns in a private setting, sources said, nowhere near their partner. But when considering your approach, know that what seems logical and well-meaning to you may be unhelpful or even harmful.

“I said the wrong things to Nicole because I didn’t understand,” Brown said. She got angry and begged her sister to leave Simpson. “I was doing the exact same thing that he was doing to her, of trying to control what she does, and that is not a good feeling for a victim of domestic violence.”

Judgment and control can make a victim isolate themselves, which perpetuates the abuse, experts said. Additionally, “they know their situation best, and they know what is (and isn’t) safe for them to consider,” Tonia Moultry-Pace, interim president and CEO of the National Network to End Domestic Violence in Washington, DC, said via email.

Brown recommends using the “TRUST” framework, created by experts in 2004, for having conversations about domestic violence:

• “Take the time to listen”
• “Respect the victim’s values and choices”
• “Understand how difficult it is and offer compassion and hope”
• “Support the victim’s decisions”
• “Tell the victim help is available from you and others”

If the person is ready to leave their relationship, you can offer to help connect them with professionals, such as those with the hotline, who can assist them in creating a safety plan and finding somewhere to live. There are many different types of shelters available, as Brown details in her book, including emergency shelters, transitional housing, and centers that rehabilitate residents by helping them rebuild their self-esteem, acquire career skills and more.

You can also offer to let them stay with you or help with transportation, childcare or pet sitting, storage, and finances. Whether the person is ready to leave or not, when they come to you about another abusive incident in their relationship, ask what would make them feel most supported by you, Charlot said.

Why victims stay

Keep in mind that no matter what you do or how aware a victim is of their abuser’s behavior and its impacts, that person may still stay in the relationship or struggle to stay away. On average, a victim will leave an abusive partner seven to 10 times before they are done for good, Brown said.

The reasons for this behavior are multiple and complex. “Survivors hope that things will get better, the way they were at the beginning of the relationship,” Brown wrote. “The abusive partner promises they will change, using manipulative tactics to try to keep the survivor in the relationship.”

Abuse doesn’t automatically erase love, attachment, shared memories, and both tangible and intangible investments in the relationship, experts said. Victims “clearly saw something good in their abuser in the beginning,” Brown wrote, and if they were in love, “the victim might find it inconceivable that the abuser meant whatever harm they caused.”

And some victims have been so psychologically destroyed by their aggressors that they consider themselves deserving of the abuse or incapable of finding a better life. There is also the shame of not wanting anybody to know the truth, Brown said.

Practical reasons also are common hindrances to leaving, one of which paradoxically concerns safety. Leaving is often the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship, with 77% of domestic violence-related homicides occurring upon separation and a 75% increase in violence after separation for at least two years, Brown said. As abusive partners lose control over survivors, they often escalate their tactics and violence.

“When Nicole finally left her relationship, that was two years before her murder,” Brown added.

Often, the prospect of leaving carries the possibilities of financial insecurity, child custody issues and prolonged court battles. Some people have pets they don’t want to leave behind or disabilities that complicate leaving.

People may need time to consider their options and make a plan. “We’re wanting to create a space where we’re shifting power back to the victim and survivor,” Ray-Jones said, “and they are making their own decisions and feeling informed and that they’re in control of their next steps and journey.”

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