Mental health strategies for co-parenting during the holidays
Tomsickova Tatyana // Shutterstock
The holiday season arrives with its own mythology. It is supposed to be joyous and sparkling, filled with rituals that bind families together. Yet for co-parents, this time of year often carries a different emotional tone. The logistics alone can feel like a second full-time job. Two households suddenly have to align school breaks, travel plans, extended family expectations, and the simple desire to make the holidays feel magical for their children. Emotional undercurrents rise as well. What once was a shared vision for the season now exists across separate homes that must somehow remain connected for the sake of the child.
It is not surprising that the holidays can intensify co-parenting tensions. Counselors and family law experts routinely describe this time of year as the most sensitive for separated parents because shifting schedules and heightened expectations tend to expose any unresolved conflict, Blueprint reports. Professional organizations such as the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers note that holiday planning is often a flashpoint for disagreements, which can easily become emotionally charged when nostalgia, financial pressure, or loneliness are already at play.
These stresses do not exist in a vacuum. There is a growing body of research showing that the climate between parents has measurable consequences for their children. A widely cited review by Cummings and Davies (2010) found that exposure to chronic parental conflict is associated with higher rates of anxiety, depression, and school difficulties in children. During the holidays, these risks may be amplified because emotions tend to run high and routines are frequently disrupted. Children often feel torn between parents without knowing how to articulate their discomfort. Some become anxious about leaving one parent alone. Others feel guilty for enjoying themselves in the other household. These are burdens no child should have to carry, especially during a season meant to be joyful.
Yet there is also hopeful news. Research consistently shows that cooperative co-parenting can buffer children from stress. In a study led by Sandler and colleagues (2008), children in low-conflict co-parenting arrangements showed stronger emotional regulation and fewer behavioral challenges, regardless of the specifics of the custody schedule. In other words, the emotional temperature between parents matters far more than whether a child spends Christmas morning in one home or the other.
Which is why understanding the emotional landscape of the holidays is an essential first step. For adults, this season often awakens a complex mix of grief and nostalgia. Separated parents usually feel heightened sadness during holidays and other family centered events, even when they had otherwise moved forward. These emotional echoes can shape behavior in subtle ways. A parent may cling more tightly to a preferred schedule because it represents a sense of continuity. Another may become overly accommodating as a way to avoid conflict. Some try to compensate for the discomfort by buying larger or more extravagant gifts. Recognizing these reactions for what they are allows parents to respond from awareness rather than reflex.
Children, too, experience their own intricate emotional realities during this time. Transitions between homes are among the most stressful aspects of post-divorce life for children. During the holidays, these transitions often occur more frequently and in the midst of emotionally charged events. A child who has just opened presents in one home may suddenly be whisked to another celebration across town. Even when handled gently, these shifts can feel overwhelming.
Predictability becomes one of the most powerful tools parents can offer. Fiese’s research on family rituals (2002) shows that stable routines help children manage stress by creating a sense of continuity. For co-parents, this means planning holiday schedules well in advance and communicating them clearly. When children know what to expect, their nervous systems settle. They are less likely to internalize adult uncertainty and more likely to enjoy the season.
Communication is another essential ingredient. Buehler and colleagues (1998) found that children in high-conflict co-parenting environments were twice as likely to develop behavioral problems compared to those whose parents communicated cooperatively. This does not mean parents must agree on everything. It means they should learn to communicate in ways that reduce emotional friction. One helpful framework comes from the BIFF method created by Bill Eddy, which encourages communication that is brief, informative, friendly, and firm. The goal is not to repair the past. The goal is simply to create a calmer present.
Holiday traditions, too, carry psychological weight. They offer a sense of identity and belonging. For children navigating two homes, traditions can become anchors. Maintaining one or two familiar rituals from the past can help preserve a sense of continuity. At the same time, creating new traditions in each household allows children to feel fully at home in both environments. They should never feel as though they are betraying one parent by enjoying time with the other.
Gift giving sometimes becomes a pressure point in co-parenting, although it rarely begins with ill intent. Parents may try to outdo each other without realizing they are doing so, or they may use gifts to compensate for emotional discomfort. Yet research by Lamela and colleagues (2016) shows that this pattern, known as compensatory parenting, is associated with increased stress for children. Coordinating major gifts and focusing on experience rather than competition can dissolve this pressure entirely.
Healthy boundaries play a quiet but essential role. Without them, even small disagreements can spill into larger conflicts. Therapeutic frameworks such as Dialectical Behavior Therapy emphasize the importance of interpersonal boundaries for emotional well-being. For co-parents, boundaries might involve deciding which conversations should happen over text rather than in person, agreeing to keep children out of adult discussions, or limiting communication during emotionally sensitive times. Boundaries are not walls. They are structures that protect everyone’s mental health.
Preparing children for transitions between households is another meaningful form of support. Sandler’s research points out that transitions are often the most challenging moments for children after separation. Creating simple calming routines before and after these transitions can help. A few minutes of reading together, time spent packing a favorite item, or simply acknowledging the child’s feelings can transform what might otherwise feel abrupt or chaotic.
Parents also need support for their own emotional experiences during the holidays. This is a season that can magnify loneliness or grief, especially when a child spends significant time in the other household. Self compassion practices have repeatedly been shown to reduce emotional distress. Mindfulness and cognitive reframing can also help parents steady themselves. When difficult emotions arise, the question becomes how to honor them without letting them define the season.
Child-centered decision making ultimately sits at the heart of it all. Developmental research over many decades shows that children thrive when their parents prioritize emotional stability over conflict or comparison. This principle becomes especially important during the holidays. When making decisions, parents can ask themselves whether a choice reduces stress for the child or whether it supports the child’s sense of security. Even small shifts in this direction can change the emotional tone of the entire season.
There are times when outside support is necessary. When communication repeatedly breaks down, when a child shows signs of emotional distress, or when schedules become a battleground, therapists, mediators, and parenting coordinators can provide structure and guidance. Their presence helps keep the focus where it belongs. On the child.
Co-parenting during the holidays is rarely simple. Yet with intention, empathy, and thoughtful mental health strategies, it can also become a time of healing and growth. The goal is not to recreate the past. The goal is to create new traditions that feel grounded, stable, and emotionally safe for children. In doing so, parents give their children a holiday season defined not by conflict, but by care.
This story was produced by Blueprint and reviewed and distributed by Stacker.
