Your kid’s teachers are not the enemy. How to handle the parent-teacher conference

Analysis by Kara Alaimo, CNN

(CNN) — If you’re thinking of marching into your parent-teacher conference with a laundry list of complaints, think twice.

It’s often possible to address issues students are having without arguing with your child’s teacher or assigning blame, even when the issues are contentious.

After her son’s teacher falsely accused him of plagiarism, it was tempting for one mom to confront the teacher angrily, Jennifer Breheny Wallace told me. Instead, the mom reminded herself that the teacher was on her son’s team and wanted him to succeed.

Because she decided to give the teacher the benefit of the doubt, she was able to start the conversation calmly.

That set the tone for a much more civil conversation — and the teacher ended up giving her son support that improved his writing tremendously, said Wallace, author of “Never Enough: When Achievement Culture Becomes Toxic — And What We Can Do About It,” who interviewed the mom for her book.

It’s an important reminder for parents as many head into parent-teacher conferences in late November, Wallace said.

“No teacher goes into this profession for the money and the glory,” she said. “Remember that your teachers are there because they have a mission, and that mission is to invest in your child. So, meet them there, meet them with that assumption.”

If parents have concerns — for example, they may think a teacher is challenging a child too much, or not enough — it’s time to “get curious, not furious,” Wallace recommended. She suggested that parents tell the teacher what they’re seeing at home and ask if they can work together to solve problems.

Lauren Tetenbaum agreed. “It’s a good idea to go in with the plan to do more listening than talking,” said Tetenbaum, a Westchester County, New York-based therapist and maternal mental health advocate.

That’s because teachers spend so much time with children that they often have valuable insights about them. And if a child has complained about a particular situation, it’s possible they haven’t shared the whole story.

Modeling civility for your children

“We parents today feel like we need to be everything to our children,” Wallace said. But it’s healthy and valuable for children to have strong relationships with their teachers. “Let the adults in their lives support them.”

One way for parents to aid those relationships is by expressing gratitude and appreciation to teachers for the specific things they do that benefit their children, Wallace recommended. “Teachers really set the environment that our children are working in. And we want that environment to be positive. We want these relationships to be positive.”

This also means that parents shouldn’t criticize a teacher in front of their child. “When you talk ill about a coach or a teacher, what you’re doing is you’re undermining that relationship,” she warned.

If you lambaste a teacher after they make a mistake, it also sends a harmful message to children.

“What happens when we ‘cancel’ our educators is that we teach our kids that … this society, this world, has no room for imperfections,” Wallace said. “I spoke with so many students who were scared of being canceled.”

Start by teaching kids not to cancel others. “We need to be a much more forgiving society, and we need to go back to civility, and we need as parents to model that civility,” she said.

Going beyond academic success

Parents should also view these conversations as opportunities to support their children’s growth in areas beyond academics, Wallace said. Her research shows that when children feel like they matter for who they are, rather than for their accomplishments, their mental health benefits.

By asking questions such as who their kids’ friends are and how they’re contributing to the community, parents can get helpful information to help cultivate a feeling that their children are valuable no matter how they perform.

Continuing the conversation

Tetenbaum also said parents shouldn’t feel that they must wait until their next — and often last — conference with the teacher to follow up on the conversation. She suggested asking teachers for their preferred method of communication, such as phone or email.

“Usually, if there is an issue, you can arrange to have another meeting, and that is usually very welcome,” she said. “More often than not, I think you’d be surprised by how willing the educators are to talk to you.”

That might be all the more true if parents heed the advice to approach teachers as partners in their children’s success, and treat them with civility and gratitude.

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